I’m always losing people well it seems that way to me  .. I’ve been trying really hard to make relationships as I have a great difficulty with attachments, I become so distressed when people leave.

I’ve been trying to take a leap of faith trying to trust in people it’s like dipping your toe  in the cold sea or jumping from the top diving board, I try to believe you won’t go.

I’m afraid you will leave me and most often people do. Oh they say we will keep in touch meet up for a meal or coffee…but they don’t , they don’t and that hurts a gut wrenching hurt.
To me those people are dead gone, I obliterate them they’re gone it’s the only way I deal with that abandonment of empty promises or lies you don’t exist anymore . I may think of you from time to time but you hurt me and you don’t know, some do and feel guilt I see that and I feel empathy …
History repeats itself …I’m the child my mum sectioned dragged away again and again and then gone and that hurt made me bury those feelings deep inside and I learnt not to trust you, I learnt not to feel. When someone leaves I curl up in a fetal position I cry all snot and tears, I lose control of my body, I slump I dissociate, I go and hide in the metaphoric tree of my childhood where I felt safe or in the garage, I isolate .
That horrible feeling overwhelms me I feel like I’m drowning in the swimming pool where I took my leap of faith,  I’m abandoned once more and I hurt me, it’s how I cope it’s a never ending circle of hope then loss I’m trapped on the  merry go round I can’t get off I’m trapped.
Today I lost my Care Coordinator whom I cared for and trusted who understood me and took the time to get to know me. I lost them to another job and although I know God damn I know,  it’s what they need to do … I just want to scream and shout and hurt myself the horrible feeling is pulling me under and I try to accept this sadness of my childhood. I follow my plan the gym, the garden but it hurts oh how it hurts and nothing will stop it, NOTHING I’M DROWNING IN THE HORRIBLE FEELING.
I’ve cried, I’ve hidden, I’ve used grounding techniques and the insight I have of my insight is killing me … I know why, I just can’t stop the waves but I’m trying to surf… It’s just painful ..
I’ve recently come across these formulations called spiky diagrams, you can use them anytime you feel the horrible feeling … sometimes I find you don’t know why you feel that way it just creeps upon you. Here is a good description of what a formulation is.
Here is an example which I  find really useful of a spiky formulation, for me it helps explain what happens for me when I get triggered into the horrible feeling.
(Clarke and Wilson)
This is my formulation I just drew it I’m quite proud …
spiky formulation sue
It shows my past then the trigger,  and how I then get that horrible feeling, then it shows the patterns I have learnt to cope with that overwhelming pain. I don’t feel bad about these ways of coping, bad things happened to me as a child and these are ways I learned to manage.
However I now use other ways such as intense exercise trying not to isolate sitting with the pain and just howling and sobbing… The horrible feeling passes it may take time but it does …and sometimes I’m still not able  to escape my old patterns, but more often I now can do.
What I’d like to say to Health Care Professionals is that when you get  someone in crisis it’s the horrible feeling you need to help with. I call it a verbal hug a soothing of that pain and validation is key in helping. Just saying how hard it must be, how awful it is just letting someone know you get it. Trying to fix or problem solve won’t help right now don’t tell me to look at a safety plan or care plan just be with me for a while or it feels like I’m abandoned over again. We are hyper vigilant we know when you’re not sitting with us I hear a sigh …I know.
Today I am sad I’m coping best as I can I’ve written this post and I dedicate it to my care coordinator,  you’ve helped me so much I know you had to go but I so wish you had stayed.
I sit with the horrible feeling.
It will pass …
I miss you

About bpdffs

I campaign for better services for people with BPD. I run #BPDchat onTwitter on Sundays at 9pm BST, please join us. I train CMHT staff in BPD awareness and run psycho-educational courses for people with BPD. I am a governor at Sheffield Health and Social Care Trust.

8 responses to “THE HORRIBLE FEELING”

  1. twittleyjules says :

    Hugs and love xxx

  2. kateh56 says :

    I can relate to this Sue, you describe it so well. Keep surfing those waves. Thinking of you x

  3. Kat says :

    Hi Sue, I just stumbled across this post on Facebook and reading your words was like it was me writing them! I go crazy sometimes and think it’s just me that feels this way and although it’s an awful way to feel, it’s comforting in a strange way to know I’m not alone. Just wanted to say thanks for posting this and how helpful I found it because I struggle with these feelings too. Much love to you xx

    • bpdffs says :

      Thank you I think many of us feel this way and you most definitely are not alone. I wrote this for us and for staff so they may get some understanding. Thank you for talking time to comment xx

  4. Jade says :

    That’s fantastically insightful. It pins what a lot of people with bpd face. You took the words right out of my mouth.
    The feelings do and will pass. I’m here with you too.

    • bpdffs says :

      Thank you very much, these feelings are passing and I guess in my writing I’m trying to be with people too. Thank you so much for commenting x

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