Mindfulness, attachments and my tree
I realise it’s World Mental Health Awareness Week with mindfulness as its chosen theme. Personally I practise mindfulness it helps me I learnt acceptance and ways to still me and my mind and name and describe emotions I had no words for.
I know it’s not for everyone and that’s ok, when I went on my eight week course I thought I could be the best mindful person ever, I’m a tad competitive, until I finally realised that’s not quite the point….
My story is one of mindfulness and attachments something that plagues me every day in many ways.
My mum being schizophrenic was often not around in my childhood and I didn’t develop secure attachments . I break down cry overdose self harm when people leave I go back to that catastrophic childhood that sense of fear utter loss abandonment … but I’m getting better being more mindful of those feelings I can often now catch myself I can self sooth, whilst I’m crying inside.
So here’s a story I tell to people it’s about a tree a beautiful beech, 50ft and in the summer it had glimmering light green leaves that spoke softly in the breeze and I’d sit when I felt like my mind would explode with internal chatter and watch and listen and be with my mindfulness tree.
I’d sit for ages watching just seeing the light change the birds come and go and I’d hear the sounds soothing me I felt at peace.
Here’s the crunch …
One morning I heard a sound a mechanical noise a bit like zerr zerr zerr and I went to my window to see two men in my tree one with a chainsaw hmmm I thought they’re pruning it as it is such a big tree and I went back to working.
You guessed it …
Later I still heard the zerr zerr zerr noise so I went to the wall to ask the men and they told me the tree needed chopping down as it was diseased and may fall on my house.
Devastation, despair, I turned back up the path tears streaming my tree would be gone. I returned to the childhood place I wanted to self harm I wanted the pain to stop, but for a tree?
I think we all get attached to places objects things from childhood we keep them in boxes or have photos videos memories things from people who have left or died. We all get attached and we can all be mindful of those objects from time to time . Holding them looking at them maybe touching old clothes to bring back memories we get attached and it hurts but time helps soften the pain.
For me it can lead to a more self destructive place as that pain is too hard to bare but I’m getting there slowly I’m looking after me.
I will finish my story … I went to the men when I’d calmed down and asked them to cut me a piece of the tree and I carried it back to my house it was pretty heavy . I took my transitional object one which would help me get over the loss of my tree like a teddy bear for a child leaving parents for the first time.
I still have that piece of tree I’m going to varnish it this weekend and be mindful for a while.
I just want to say it’s also Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month and I hope this helps understanding around abandonment fears … Including trees .