Dropping out of mind
I talk often with my therapist about my feelings of abandonment of rejection and the devastation it causes how I feel I’m completely dropped out of a persons mind if someone goes. I often believe people to be dead gone forever and I am not Sue I just no longer exist I’m alone floating in space frightened a cold dark moon floating tears streaming wanting to die.
We talk about the meaning why I feel this way and I see my mum when I’m small so ill tormented with schizophrenia no longer managing and then sectioned leaving dropping me out of mind and I fall the small child abandoned alone, rock a bye baby I’ve fallen from the tree top no one to catch me no secure attachments mine are messed up .
I can’t trust you to catch me I fear you will leave I’m just acting out a childhood of pain of hurt its not you I’m trying to hurt its me that’s hurting. It’s not about you .
Today I visited my mum in her home and I sat and she asked “do I know you? ” I said, “yes I’m your daughter I’m Susie ” (my childhood name ) she repeated this a few times and I felt like an arrow had pierced my heart . I’d dropped out of her mind I no longer existed, I feel like I’m not real, I’m so so sad and it’s a crushing pain.
Those words like acid burn me ‘do I know you?’ I’m never to have a mum.
I wonder for so many people who live with those who may forget them through dementia or other illnesses how it feels how they manage day to day being dropped out of mind ?