Therapy – it’s me that’s hurting
I imagined smashing up your room I told my therapist just an impulse but I won’t you don’t have to worry I say smiling avoiding eye contact . Inside I think I’m not violent I never have been where the hell has that come from but it did.
I guess we all have our little secrets we keep inside too ashamed to vocalise I’m kind nice lovely sue not that angry violent person with BPD that I’m portrayed as .
We talk about exclusion a lot I hate being left out I become enraged inside, on Twitter if I see others talking I feel excluded and at work if I’m not invited to a meeting I feel excluded and I want to be involved in everything and I get overwhelmed so tired so confused and I drop exhausted I need to be involved . I’m a child left out ignored four of us I’m number three with no mum just dad and I want to be seen I want to be loved I want to be hugged …don’t exclude me I get mad.
I hide my anger from you and the world oh kind therapist I know you’ll leave me one day and I’m seething inside already so much so I want to smash up your room. I’m a child aged four left by my mum who was sectioned taken away by evil psychiatrists, my mum, I was robbed of and I’m sad and I’m angry and I smash up my sisters games and history is repeating itself .
I just want to have friends this attachment stuff really bugs me it’s not my fault I was left but I feel blame from professionals blame from society and I hide my anger it’s coiled inside me and all that happens is I hurt myself . It’s me that’s hurting …. I hurt me