Sometimes we laugh, depression and therapy

I find myself depressed recently, waking early in the morning filled with dread about what the day has in store for me. I dash to the bathroom to retch so afraid I wouldn’t manage, so sad that I’d begun to hate my life. I am so tired. I feel so alone.

I cry at the slightest of things and cry because I’d begun to be afraid of work, I was seriously thinking of leaving and that was so frightening because it brings so much meaning to me . I’m Fighting For Services I’m trying to get help for people, I love my job.

But this sadness has crept upon me dragging me down leading me to my bed whenever I can and I have found a curious acceptance of this depression it sits with me and I am just here sad.

The reason I have my visitor is due to the therapy I’m in (Transference Focused psychotherapy) I was told it would get worse before it got better, sounds like something a kind parent would tell you, but I wasn’t expecting this.

I’m always someone who wants to know exactly what is happening and I wanted to know what this therapy involved. So I read up on it ( the researcher I am) But it seems to me there is no set plan, I talk, they talk, I cry, I am sad for me the child, I cry, I see patterns of behavior that I’m still playing out today, I cry. I see now how physically and mentally I’m affected when people try to get close to me . I panic I do anything to keep people at arms length……. just there where I feel safe. I see how sad and lonely that makes me feel and I can’t let you my therapist in yet. I sit head bowed afraid to look you in the eyes afraid of what I can see in you and you from me.

Hey but it’s not all bad sometimes we laugh and I catch your eyes from time to time.

For now I am left sad grieving for me as a child and I cry … I know she needs a hug and I tell her it will be OK ….soon.

I have been self harming but I’m ok with that for now it’s an old pattern a way of surviving and it doesn’t stop me living my life.

I’m still working, I’m back in the gym the past two days and I’ve been walking… I can go out into the world I’m sad but I’m hopeful it will pass. It will pass.

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About bpdffs

I campaign for better services for people with BPD. I run #BPDchat onTwitter on Sundays at 9pm BST, please join us. I train CMHT staff in BPD awareness and run psycho-educational courses for people with BPD. I am a governor at Sheffield Health and Social Care Trust.

4 responses to “Sometimes we laugh, depression and therapy”

  1. twittleyjules says :

    There is another child. The child I remember. I remember a beautiful girl who made people smile, who had a cheeky grin and who could do amazing head stands. We used to play all sorts of games together like Tarzan and Ballon Ball. She could sing like a bird and was really, really good at sport.
    I’m sorry she got hurt. Damaged. I tried to help her because I was the eldest and it was my job. I think I failed, but I hope that the other child can be found again and brought back home where she is safe. She is truly lovely and I care for her so much.

    • bpdffs says :

      Aww big sis it wasn’t your job you were a child too … (Hugs) I am really hopeful about this therapy it’s just hard right now and I love you too xx

  2. Hephzibah says :

    Sorry it is so difficult. Keep going. One breath at a time.

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