Sometimes we laugh, depression and therapy
I find myself depressed recently, waking early in the morning filled with dread about what the day has in store for me. I dash to the bathroom to retch so afraid I wouldn’t manage, so sad that I’d begun to hate my life. I am so tired. I feel so alone.
I cry at the slightest of things and cry because I’d begun to be afraid of work, I was seriously thinking of leaving and that was so frightening because it brings so much meaning to me . I’m Fighting For Services I’m trying to get help for people, I love my job.
But this sadness has crept upon me dragging me down leading me to my bed whenever I can and I have found a curious acceptance of this depression it sits with me and I am just here sad.
The reason I have my visitor is due to the therapy I’m in (Transference Focused psychotherapy) I was told it would get worse before it got better, sounds like something a kind parent would tell you, but I wasn’t expecting this.
I’m always someone who wants to know exactly what is happening and I wanted to know what this therapy involved. So I read up on it ( the researcher I am) But it seems to me there is no set plan, I talk, they talk, I cry, I am sad for me the child, I cry, I see patterns of behavior that I’m still playing out today, I cry. I see now how physically and mentally I’m affected when people try to get close to me . I panic I do anything to keep people at arms length……. just there where I feel safe. I see how sad and lonely that makes me feel and I can’t let you my therapist in yet. I sit head bowed afraid to look you in the eyes afraid of what I can see in you and you from me.
Hey but it’s not all bad sometimes we laugh and I catch your eyes from time to time.
For now I am left sad grieving for me as a child and I cry … I know she needs a hug and I tell her it will be OK ….soon.
I have been self harming but I’m ok with that for now it’s an old pattern a way of surviving and it doesn’t stop me living my life.
I’m still working, I’m back in the gym the past two days and I’ve been walking… I can go out into the world I’m sad but I’m hopeful it will pass. It will pass.