I’m hopeful

Heading for therapy at last to help with my attachment difficulties … I’m afraid of close relationships I don’t do friends it’s too hard I’m afraid they’re going to leave  I just don’t trust people . It makes me sad and can lead me to self harm I want to be close to you, I want to be your friend but it’s too dangerous.

If you go away …it’s catastrophic oh I feel the pain it floors me it leaves me curled up in a ball sobbing I want to I need to stop the pain …run away into my mind I see images of crashing my car of trains of pills strewn of me in pain oh stop the pain . Emotional pain is so much more painful for me than physical pain I can self harm it doesn’t hurt it stops the emotions the real pain the exquisitely disturbing place of my past haunting me it traps me I’m a product of a traumatic childhood ….save me.

I want to be close I want to be close …..

FEAR

My mum leaving sectioned … Overdosing … Losing her mind she’s not   there.. ECT … Drugged …. and I’m so small and so I don’t have secure attachments I don’t know how to self sooth I can’t trust I think you’re going to leave and god dammit you’re going to hurt me and it won’t be good enough ever…..

Frightened as a child frightened as an adult …frustrated I’m seen as an attention seeker but I just need to feel safe I just need you to help regulate my emotions sometimes they are so out of control. Just validate my emotions show you understand me it’s all I ask … I don’t need to drink tea I don’t need to go for a walk ask me what helps me…

I’m heading for therapy I’m hopeful…it’s Transference Focused Psychotherapy long-term I want a best friend and that’s my aim… I crave closeness I’m hopeful ….

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About bpdffs

I campaign for better services for people with BPD. I run #BPDchat onTwitter on Sundays at 9pm BST, please join us. I train CMHT staff in BPD awareness and run psycho-educational courses for people with BPD. I am a governor at Sheffield Health and Social Care Trust.

6 responses to “I’m hopeful”

  1. anxiousgeek says :

    Good luck to you. I understand what you’re feeling, therapy really helped me and I hope it helps you too.

  2. Julie Newcombe (@TwittleyJules) says :

    I am your best friend. Whatever, whenever. I am there and I won’t go away x

  3. Jane Jacks says :

    Is this NHS Sue?

  4. bpdffs says :

    Yes it is …. It’s been a long wait

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