I Talk about Feelings

Three years ago when my psychiatrist told me I had Borderline
Personality Disorder, I could not have imagined I would be here where
I am right now. My job back then was a trainer for people wanting to
become security staff, I was an SIA trainer.

I was helping mainly unemployed people get work as Door Supervisors.
Who would have known I would now be a Peer support Specialist for
people with BPD training staff and people with a diagnosis of BPD
running educational and DBT courses, my dream coming true.

This post  isn’t about that though its just telling you how I got to
where I am now , its about hmm you know when someone asks  you a
question you don’t have the answer to, and you can’t get it out of
your head that’s what it’s about.

Last year on one of my training   sessions to staff from the Community
Mental Health Teams one of the people said can you please tell me why
do people with BPD want to tell you how they are feeling all the time?
I stopped. I remember it vividly, it wasn’t said in a kind way, it was
a cold frustrated angry sad sort of way. I said I don’t know, I will
have to think about that and I have.

That question is a difficult one, difficult for people working with us
and so much harder for people with a diagnosis.

I breath in hard at this point a deep deep sigh feelings are so
frightening, painful I can’t afford to let go, I grind my teeth I
can’t sit still , I don’t lose control , don’t feel don’t feel too
much pain it hurts. Stop…  Feelings lead to the dark place I’m so
small, a child  so scared, hiding in the garage, my mum diagnosed with
schizophrenia,  I hear you shouting, I see you walking up the drive
going out drinking, seeing your boyfriend  I’m cold oh so cold wrapped
in a dirty old carpet. Just hug me. I’m feeling so alone, I’m feeling
so scared, I’m feeling lost, I’m feeling abandoned , I’m feeling like
I want to die and I just want to be loved.

I’m feeling.

Yes I am emotional.

Yes sometimes I dissociate I can’t manage all of this.

I hid my feelings for years they were so unmanageable.

Now I want to talk about my feelings.

It helps.

Sometimes I hurt myself because I can’t stand the pain and I feel so
ashamed and you don’t understand, I’m attention seeking, manipulative
that’s what you think .

But I’m hurting, I’m sad.

So you ask me why I talk about my feelings all the  time? Because I
was hurt as a child and for me right now I can’t come to terms with
that. I’m soon getting therapy to help and I use DBT skills and I’m
working really hard to help me and others.

So be patient just listen to me for a while whist I talk about how I’m
feeling just be with me and if you want to help, validate my feelings
please.

Just so you  know I didn’t want my life to be this way.

Advertisements

Tags:

About bpdffs

I campaign for better services for people with BPD. I run #BPDchat onTwitter on Sundays at 9pm BST, please join us. I train CMHT staff in BPD awareness and run psycho-educational courses for people with BPD. I am a governor at Sheffield Health and Social Care Trust.

11 responses to “I Talk about Feelings”

  1. Julie Newcombe (@TwittleyJules) says :

    Beautifully explained as ever. I think you are being very patient in the way you explain stuff. No one ever has to justify why they cry in pain because their leg is broken or because they have had surgery. They get treatment and relief. This is your pain I suppose but when the brain is ill it somehow doesn’t count as much.

    • bpdffs says :

      Thanks Julie it’s very true, I’ve been waiting so long for therapy and that’s not right, emotional pain is just as debilitating as physical pain..

  2. Joyce says :

    It’s not right! That’s exactly the main thing we Borderlines need: VALIDATION! People need to understand that.

  3. brokenmind_ says :

    Excellent post there sue however very sad. If I could I’d travel back in time & give your child you a massive big hug. I don’t think the person who asked why people with bpd want to tell you about how they are feeling is correct though. One of the last things I want to do is tell people how I am feeling, it us often too hard to do that. I show how I’m feeling with actions such as self harm & sometimes angry & violent behaviours. Not violent as in deliberately hurting people but lashing out at inanimate objects by breaking & smashing things. I am however much better than I once was at talking about how I am feeling but it’s still one of the most difficult tasks to do.

  4. bpdffs says :

    Aww thanks for the hug that’s kind. Yes I spent many years not talking about my feelings, not able to access them and still like you I keep lots inside. But I think many people with BPD because we are so emotional do talk a lot about feelings and very extreme ones at that. Feelings of anger, sadness and yes happiness. I am beginning to talk more about feelings like you as I get to know myself better I suppose it’s helping me. And yes it’s really difficult to do sometimes.

  5. butterflywgs says :

    Well said, Sue. Stupid question. Why do some cold, narcissistic individuals work in mental health? Honestly, what do you expect, you work in mental health – of course service users are going to talk about their feelings! I relate to what you said about suppressing emotions for so long. Doing that is behind many MH issues, not just BPD; any good therapist will tell us that. I too grew up in a very invalidating environment, wasn’t allowed to have feelings. No wonder when we finally start to express our feelings it kind of explodes. A good MH worker needs to understand these things…*flails*.

    • bpdffs says :

      It did seem a strange question at the time but I think some people find it difficult, although as you say they should realize. I think particularly around PD there is a lot of lack of knowledge and understanding.
      Sounds like you had a pretty torrid childhood too, it can be so difficult I know at the time and later in life. Thanks for commenting on my post 🙂

    • bpnana says :

      Thanks for the comment. I’m just starting to learn about BPD as a family member seems to fit the criteria. We can’t diagnose, but as a family, we’ve decided to educate ourselves, acquire coping skills, set boundaries, and hopefully help our loved one. Glad I’m following this great blog!

  6. Pinky says :

    Such insecure attachments with people would affect someone for life, except with unusual people. Where is the line is between normal and disordered? The loss or broken relationship with a parent is apocalyptic for any young child.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: