I Talk about Feelings
Three years ago when my psychiatrist told me I had Borderline
Personality Disorder, I could not have imagined I would be here where
I am right now. My job back then was a trainer for people wanting to
become security staff, I was an SIA trainer.
I was helping mainly unemployed people get work as Door Supervisors.
Who would have known I would now be a Peer support Specialist for
people with BPD training staff and people with a diagnosis of BPD
running educational and DBT courses, my dream coming true.
This post isn’t about that though its just telling you how I got to
where I am now , its about hmm you know when someone asks you a
question you don’t have the answer to, and you can’t get it out of
your head that’s what it’s about.
Last year on one of my training sessions to staff from the Community
Mental Health Teams one of the people said can you please tell me why
do people with BPD want to tell you how they are feeling all the time?
I stopped. I remember it vividly, it wasn’t said in a kind way, it was
a cold frustrated angry sad sort of way. I said I don’t know, I will
have to think about that and I have.
That question is a difficult one, difficult for people working with us
and so much harder for people with a diagnosis.
I breath in hard at this point a deep deep sigh feelings are so
frightening, painful I can’t afford to let go, I grind my teeth I
can’t sit still , I don’t lose control , don’t feel don’t feel too
much pain it hurts. Stop… Feelings lead to the dark place I’m so
small, a child so scared, hiding in the garage, my mum diagnosed with
schizophrenia, I hear you shouting, I see you walking up the drive
going out drinking, seeing your boyfriend I’m cold oh so cold wrapped
in a dirty old carpet. Just hug me. I’m feeling so alone, I’m feeling
so scared, I’m feeling lost, I’m feeling abandoned , I’m feeling like
I want to die and I just want to be loved.
Yes I am emotional.
Yes sometimes I dissociate I can’t manage all of this.
I hid my feelings for years they were so unmanageable.
Now I want to talk about my feelings.
Sometimes I hurt myself because I can’t stand the pain and I feel so
ashamed and you don’t understand, I’m attention seeking, manipulative
that’s what you think .
But I’m hurting, I’m sad.
So you ask me why I talk about my feelings all the time? Because I
was hurt as a child and for me right now I can’t come to terms with
that. I’m soon getting therapy to help and I use DBT skills and I’m
working really hard to help me and others.
So be patient just listen to me for a while whist I talk about how I’m
feeling just be with me and if you want to help, validate my feelings
Just so you know I didn’t want my life to be this way.