I don’t do endings, endings do me, my Achilles heal my dark dark cave, my shame, my place where I hurt so I can’t move. Imagine the shame of being so attached to someone that when they leave its catastrophic imagine if you know the people who care for you know that. Imagine my shame, imagine my shame. Slow down, I slow down, I cry I cry, my pain is like a fire burning me, memories, my past , my being left, I want you to stay, don’t leave me, don’t leave me. You overdosing, I see you from the stairs, I’m so small and I remember, away you go, again, and I can’t be with you, I’m frightened, I’m so scared of you, but don’t leave me, don’t go. Don’t go. My mum no support, schizophrenic.
The diagnostic manual DSM IV that gives us our label states the following as one of the five of the nine criteria needed for a diagnosis of BPD
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
Oh I imagine abandonment everywhere.
Attachment theory says failure to form secure attachments early in life can have a negative impact on behaviour in later childhood and throughout,life Bowlby 1969 and Ainsworth 1978 . Trauma early in life causes disorganised attachments. I don’t know if it’s safe to be with you or should I run away. I so want to be friends with you, I don’t want to be alone, but watch out, I don’t trust you, you’ll hurt me run away, run away. Accept and reject, I hate you don’t leave me. Push and pull. I STAND ALONE. And I cry. Friends are so hard.
Bio/Social theory says we are born emotional into an invalidating environment which causes difficulties in managing our emotions.
It means I don’t do endings, I see people rejecting me and abandoning me, everyday, in every small way, a txt not returned, ignored on Twitter, people being late, feeling left out, and I talk to myself all day, an internal conversation, it’s not real, the traffic is bad, they’re busy, but still I bite my lip, I dig my nails into my hand, I can’t cry in front of you, oh the shame, I should be strong, big girls don’t cry. DON’T CRY. And I cry inside and I cry like now.
I’ve started to log my feelings of abandonment and rejection, I’ve started to understand my triggers and although I feel the pain I’m learning to manage my behaviours. I talk to me, I’m learning to self sooth, be kind to me understand me. I see endings as beginnings. Although it hurts and I feel.
Just don’t leave me.