Relationships – are they really real in mental health?

Relationships come hard to me.. they come hard. My mum was sectioned often when I was young and I now find trusting that people will stay very difficult. I push people away in my own gentle way keeping a wary distance. I create spaces where I can be alone.  I so want that connection but it’s too dangerous for me I feel so disturbed if people come in close.
So I’ve been wondering about relationships in mental health, more so recently as I’ve disconnected from services said farewell to my Psychiatrist and CPN.
What happens when I say goodbye is so distressing to me . I slump lose control and my eyes oh my eyes they shut and I can’t open them, it’s frightening and I believe that maybe I will never see again. I can’t relive that ending I’m launched back into my childhood a small child mum is leaving .. I can’t face that … never to return .. I can’t face that. I can’t see I can’t see.
One definition of a relationship I found when I googled is this:-
‘the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected.’
This is what I fear and yet I entered into them in mental health services . I guess my question is are those relationships really real? Are they true  connections?
I began to think about power .. from the initial meeting where I’m told where to sit and I’m asked sets of questions and then given a diagnosis and that decision affects the rest of my life. Particularly if it’s the diagnosis I have of ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’ . It will mean I am looked at by those in services through a particular lens. Where boundaries are high and some think I’m manipulative, attention seeking, just putting it on and I must just get on with my life. How can you base a relationship on that thinking?
Those boundaries oh those boundaries where I tell you all and you share so little. When in therapy I used to imagine all sorts about my therapists life but in reality I knew nothing. Is this one sided connection a true relationship or just some lob sided fabrication and why was the ending so hard? Because it was oh god I felt that pain so badly.
But is this really real?
Back to power you choose my medication, when and where we meet and if you’ll take my phone call or not. Also where  I sit in your office and if I want to see my notes you can remove some if you think they won’t be good for me to see .. now that’s power. I have to laugh though I once sat in my psychiatrists chair my little go at taking the power back…
Also you can tell me what therapy I can have and you may withdraw services and then there’s restraint and forced medication .
Is this a relationship?
Do relationships actually matter in mental health?
I used to overdose regularly and often I was just sent home no one contacting me now would a good friend do that?
Relationships in mental health manufactured on your terms one sided ..
The fact I could talk to you about suicidal thoughts my self harm my past trauma and you’d sit and be with me, validate me hold all of that pain for me. One social worker once touched me with their finger when I was so distressed and it felt so validating I could feel they were right there with me. They felt my pain. Sitting with me through the dark times, understanding and holding me until the storm passed. You knowing me.
But being there  for those people who have little or no connections ‘relationships’ in their life is this enough?
I wonder if  this modelling of a one sided relationship where you tell all and know little helps with those relationships in ‘real life’? Is that what a person will perceive a ‘real’ relationship is like. Will it help people make real friends out there in their life.
I’m lucky I have my wife and two girls who I’m so close with. I’m trying out relationships even though it feels so hard.
 To those who know me thank you for staying with me and to those who have helped me in services thank you too . I’m just not sure what sort of relationship we had but I know it hurts when we part.
I’d like to know what people think are these relationships real or fabricated.. do they help? I know one thing at times they saved my life .


Recently I have had things happen in my life that have sent me into the spin that is a crisis. A death of a friend and things happening at work that have crossed my values have affected me badly.

For me it is a state of dissociaton, of life feeling not quite real and the side of me that is self destructive comes out to play. I switch rapidly between going so fast that I am exhausted, by early evening I am running from my thoughts and then not being able to move, freezing and staying in the comfort of my bed turning things over and over.

I have felt extreme rage which has turned inwards on myself and I feel helpless, hopeless and sometimes tears come but often I just feel numb.
I continue to work it distracts me from my thoughts but this thing called my age makes it more difficult I just feel tired these days.

I always notice when I feel this way that on Twitter I change . I mainly retweet stuff or just talk about cats, I have no energy and I just feel despair at the around and around and around arguments that get us nowhere often and sometimes I watch the human casualties, people hurt each other and I hate to watch that . Twitter can be both soul destroying or a nirvana of kindness and support , a bit like life really but throwing insults seems easier on an online platform because you don’t get to see the face of the person as they feel the pain ….we could all be kinder and I include myself in that.

I recently asked people on Twitter by crowd sourcing what it felt like being in a crisis and here is what they said:

Be in a good place before you read as it made me feel sad it is powerful stuff.

Being in so much turmoil that all my thoughts are about ending it, and now not later. So fed up that things are never going to change. The need to escape is great. Anywhere off this earth will be better.

It’s feeling utterly out of control at the same time as having no idea what to do/how to help myself except for maladaptive strategies.

The bottom of a very, very deep black hole and the desperation you feel is like someone filling that hole with water and dangling a ladder down to you but constantly just out of reach.

Intense emotional breakdown…..all negative messages about myself all at once.

I am a terrified child who is not sure where she is and thinks people are coming to get her….feeling extremely unsafe.

It feels like I am drowning, as if I can’t breathe. It truly feels like I might be dying.

I have no focus, the world seems to pass slowly and fuzzily. Nothing can distract me, music telly or walking. I can become aggressive and abusive. I swear out loud and lose control; minor things become major and I can break things and threaten suicide.

Being overwhelmed by the voices to the point of acting on what they are telling me. Struggling with the nanobots. Low to an extent I never think possible.. Thinking of or acting on self harm and suicide thoughts. Unable to concentrate. Struggle to distract.

It feels like I’m falling off a rocky edge and I’m madly scrabbling trying to get hold of something to pull myself back up, but I just can’t and I don’t understand why cos I can see the top and the steps to getting there but I just cant hold on where I am right now to get there.

I feel myself falling into a big black hole, because I know it is happening. I beg for help but don’t get any until I am at the bottom of the hole with one of those wrecking balls swinging back and forth. No hope .

Staying completely still because as long as I’m still I’m safe. If I move I’m frightened something will become unbalanced, and I f I move it means time is moving and something will go wrong. I’ve lost hours like this.

I feel like I’m caught in a riptide.

Anger, defensive, intolerant, sulking, not speaking.

When I’m in crisis mode I feel trapped in a box and I have to escape as fast as possible. My mind is going so fast and my thoughts are jumbled. I experience and increased heart rate, sweating, and I get the hole in my chest feeling. I typically go on long drives when this happens.

Thank you to all of the people who replied being in crisis is such a devastating place to be, it is worse than the pain of any operation I have had and it feels so lonely and desperate.
Anyone who tells you they are in crisis just know it hurts like hell and you need to listen to validate that pain, you need to connect human to human and know what you do and what you say is so important. Just be with that person for a while . All the fixing in that moment would be like sticking a plaster on a broken leg…baths, tea, walks {unless that’s what helps someone } will do nothing to help.

I ran a poll on twitter also asking:
If you are in a mental health crisis what do you need?

The answers are below from 75 resopndents

See someone in person 79%
Something else 9%
Helpline 7%
Talk to a peer on twitter 5%

People expressed a preference for seeing someone in person that human connection is obviously key from their personal experience.

What we mainly offer is a helpline which I think have their place and they are much more cost effective. But if we are truly listening to people and want to give a good service perhaps we should be offering more one to one connection at the time of the crisis and not a day or week later. We don’t want to be turning people away because of a label particularly of ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’ do we ? You can’t just stop the trauma  playing out from childhood of abuse neglect or rape. You may not have the strength to hold that person and may use excuses that ‘they will get too attached’ when it is relationships that are key in helping people ..relationships matter.

People do die by suicide from being in crisis we can see from the comments above it is a truly painful place to be. So stop and listen validate.

I will soon hopefully begin to escape from the prison that is my current crisis I manage much better these days but I know I will drop into my own personal black hole from time to time and my hope is that people will be there to hold me.

Grief, loss and endings

My mum died in a hospital with my two sisters and brother by her side. I couldn’t be there I’d just had a major operation two days earlier and when I heard I sobbed and my wife held me as I began to momentarily fall into grief.

My mum  got lost in the mental health system her mind her passion for music she was drowned by the institution of drugs and of shock after shock of ECT  and I grieve I feel the loss of her beautiful mind and the loss to me of my childhood . I never  had those mum and daughter chats or shopping together we both got lost I shrank into my shell of not feeling and tumbled into the land of cut off,  I stopped feeling I couldn’t grieve her loss . Cut off is the only way I learnt to survive as a child hiding in the cold garage scared of a mum who’s mind was disappearing before my eyes and I didn’t know if she was safe to be with. I wanted her love but I was afraid.
She disappeared often sectioned and we didn’t talk about the schizophrenia label she was given she was just gone no explanation . I now have such difficulties around people leaving , of loss, of missing, it tears right to my core, I return to the cold garage. I lose control I dissociate I can’t bear the pain. I feel like I’m watching from the outside in at myself or I slump, I physically lose control.
My mum died a few months back and I’ve had not had many feelings about her death. I’ve kept busy my learnt way to cope of being in perpetual mind and body motion. I avoid the pain of feeling … it’s been so hard alongside battling with thoughts of suicide and self harm.
But this  is a blog of two tales there’s another story there always is ..
My therapy ends in two weeks a journey of three years where I’ve been so lucky and have seendownload myself unfold before my own eyes. I’m aware  of so much more about myself . I’ve changed literally I’m not so fearful anymore and I’ve found I don’t have to like everyone nor them me …. I’ve been freed. I see all the different parts of me and it’s ok . As my therapy is Transference Focused Psychotherapy * my therapist has felt my pain in learning those difficult lessons of grief, for a childhood I longed for but never had.
We have been through it all I have cried most times and laughed from time to time and I see her smile from the corner of my eye.
As I see the slow approach of my therapy ending in June I’ve begun to grieve . I sit uncontrollably sobbing the thought of walking through that door fills me with despair of a belief I may collapse and never wake up. A transference • of my mother leaving a trauma so deep rooted that I’m forced to relive it in my mind a thousand times over as I imagine the ending of a relationship like no other. I feel dropped out of sight out of mind. I cease to exist.
I’m slow moving at present the death of my mum the end of my therapy intertwined like coiled snakes . I’m grieving for my mum, my loss of childhood and a therapist who took me on a journey of the most difficult kind, which was so rewarding I was learning how I could be me.
I am beginning to grieve to allow myself to feel this depression . I’m approaching my sadness instead of cutting off and running away. Oh and it so hurts.
The door still looms large in my mind early in June when I step through it for the last time. I will allow myself to be vulnerable to accept support, something I find so hard .
I am beginning to see you mum and I grieve for you and your life .. there were happy times for you I know and you did your best with little support.
I will miss your wisdom kind therapist I know it’s time for me to go. I cry and that’s ok .

Therapy -Conkers – Thoughts on thinking

Therapy -Conkers – Thoughts on thinking

I’ve been in therapy for two and a half years now and it will finish in June and I know I’ve been really lucky to have such an amazing therapist ( no I’ve not idealised her … much)
The type of therapy I’m having is Transference Focused Psychotherapy and if you’re interested more in it you can read about it below

My main comment on this therapy is that it’s changed so much my way of thinking about me and my life. I am more content as a person I’m not going to be happy all the time, I feel sad, I feel envy, I feel angry, I feel emotions oh the joy, I was cut off from them before. I can now feel the wonder of my emotions in their full blown glory and sometimes it hurts and feels overwhelming but I’d rather feel.
I can also pause (most times) before reacting my days of self harm and overdosing are mostly behind me, I am human I sometimes stumble .
I see the good in things I missed before, like the movement of the leaves on the trees and in people I see their good and their bad and all of their inbetween.
I’ve done a lot of thinking in therapy lots about my childhood and my mum with schizophrenia and how that affects me now, particularly my deep deep fear of being left, it paralyses me still today, its my Achilles heal. I hate the clock in therapy I see the session ending I hear it’s tick tock and I want to smash it as it counts down the time of each session, oh damn those endings. I even went through a phase of ending the sessions before she could until I realised what I was doing and then I laughed at myself ..’oh Sue those endings’ Needless to say I’m still working on it or maybe I will accept its part of me.
My relationship with my therapist is also key after all it’s transference focused psychotherapy .. I usually spend my time looking at her shoes or the floor or the bin or out of the window or at my hands constantly messing fidgeting and sometimes I look into her eyes …more often these days. It’s taken time for me to trust.

Which brings me to the conker.


I often dissociate in therapy I either can’t hear what’s been said or I just sit slumped my eyes half closed and I can’t open them no matter how I try and once they shut completely and I was dragged back to my childhood frightened alone I clung onto the chair whilst she talked and I came round and slowly my eyes opened. Calm .

So back to the conker I was using it to ground with, to keep me in the here and now not dissociating, I walk before therapy and found it in the park and each session I use different objects my bracelet with beads my fingers.
She said ‘so what is it with the conker?’ I replied defensively feeling criticised and ashamed that I sit messing with a conker, I told her I always fidget each week it helps me. I changed the subject. Sometimes I hate feeling different I hate my mental health I don’t want to be ‘Mental’
I went away though thinking why is she asking me about the conker? Does she get sick of me messing? Should I try to stop fidgeting in therapy? If I keep messing will she have a go at me again? Why did she have to say that about the conker ? My emotions started screaming I was judging her myself and I ruminated. I got angry, I felt ashamed.
I then before next session wondered whether to take a conker in, what would she think? Then what if I didn’t take one in would she wonder why I hadn’t? Or maybe I would take two in she can analyse that!!
At my next session I looked at her took a deep breath and said ‘why did you ask me about the conker ?’ In a somewhat accusatory tone.
She replied ‘ I was curious about the conker and what it meant to you’ I sighed I had failed to mentalise correctly I thought she was judging me but she was not, I’d failed to see her intention which was kind and curious. I’d wasted my energy and time on a thing that was not.
We then talked about my thinking and the whole incident of the conker so I could understand my misunderstandings.
It has reminded me once again that all of this was just thinking all of it my thoughts none of it was fact until I checked out things with my therapist.
We have done a lot of this in therapy she is MBT ( mentalisation based therapy) trained and it’s helped me with relationships I don’t jump to conclusions so quickly I think more about what the other person maybe thinking their beliefs desires needs and feelings. Not just mine, although mine matter too.
I wonder how often we all fail to mentalise? Its worth thinking about !! We all have those ‘conker’ moments in our lives.

Below is a PowerPoint on mentalising if you’re interested in reading more

Snapshots …lost stories

Moved, touched, left  wondering, sad, a glimmer of hope, distressed, frightened all profound feelings I felt when visiting In a Dark Wood the link explains it here –

There were pictures of people from Middlewood Hospital (lunatic asylum) from just under a hundred years ago, with a soundtrack of music and voices of present day people talking about their experiences of mental health.. I was one of those people
In telling my story which I don’t often do these days, I cried it felt so sad and somebody cried with me and  in the sharing we could sit and be together a while eyes showing mutual compassion, a sad and knowing moment of understanding and that moment is now etched in my mind.
This picture below caught my attention particularly the woman in the centre.. I don’t know her story but I found myself creating one for her a fantasy to make her real not just an image in a photo.
“She was taken in to the asylum as she had a child without being married which happened often in those days and she remained in there for years slowly becoming institutionalised and she lost her mind, her sense of who she was, of who she may become, she was lost in a photo to be shown in September 2016 in Sheffield where she came alive for me in my mind in my story” I cry … What was her story?
I posted this photo on my Facebook and someone said they used to work there in the 70’s and the children of mothers who had been taken into the asylum were working in the laundry. A story I found hard to hear it’s only 40-50 years ago. A time when my mum was in High Royds Hospital (asylum) could I have been one of these children? My heart sinks the fear of that place remains with me today I was so traumatised as a child visiting I only remember that place in snapshots in pictures in my mind, I was so small and frightened, I can’t imagine being in there working.
What are these children’s stories today? It makes me cry … Do children get frightened today when visiting parents in mental health hospitals does anyone consider that?
I blogged about visiting High Royds as a child you can read it here
Another story is one that a former member of staff from Middlewood told me as I had been wondering why all of the photographs had been taken . They seemed so posed, harrowed, eyes sad and despairing I became obsessed with their eyes I was trying to see their stories are the eyes the windows to our soul? Nobody knows the truth as to why they sat in rows in chairs posed for the camera.
The story she told me was that on a Sunday they were all forced to go to church and had to put on their Sunday best clothes and they weren’t allowed their cigarettes until they were ready .
We still hear about coercion in metal health face down restraint, people injected against their will and now not  allowed to smoke on the wards for their own good health …for me it’s about coercion….. and it echoes of this past story of withholding cigarettes and making people go to church for their spiritual good no doubt.
Today we can tell our stories through blogging, and the internet will keep our words and images for us so others can read them, we talk about digital footprints maybe for people to follow.
My mum has her story she often forgot lots of mine due to  her devastating life with schizophrenia and forced ECT  so there are bits missing. I don’t know what time of day I was born for example. Memories fade and I cry.
I am so touched by this picture and I wonder in mental health how far have we moved on? But I do know we need compassion, kindness and to be able to tell our stories in a safe place where we are not judged.
Goodbye you brave three women I’m remembering you today.


The Rhubarb Crumble – a lesson in validation


To begin with I will give you two definitions of validation …
To acknowledge and accept a person’s feelings, thoughts, behaviours and internal experience as valid and understandable.

To confirm or strengthen what is relevant, true, or effective about a response, be it a thought, emotion, physical sensation, or action. Validation requires empathy (the accurate understanding of the person’s experience) but validation also includes the communication that the person’s response makes sense. (Linehan) From Karyn Hall’s NEABPD call in 2011

Some of the things validation helps with are communication, building trust, it can help lessen the distress for someone and shows you just get it.

Invalidation causes the person to get more upset and this happens to many people who self harm and attend A&E or by other Health Care Professionals not taking people seriously or family and friends.

When I’m educating people about validation this is the story I tell ….

One day my daughter had gone off on a bike ride with my wife and I was outside gardening. Suddenly I heard the car pull in and I thought hmm what’s happened here? My daughter appeared on the path her chin wobbling looking really upset.

I asked her ‘what’s wrong what’s happened? She replied that her chain had broken on her bike and she didn’t get to go on the bike ride ..

I said ‘oh no you really wanted to go on that bike ride you must be really upset ‘ (validation)

She started crying and I asked her what she wanted to do she replied her voice faltering that she just didn’t know. I saw that there was rhubarb growing in the garden and she loved baking. I said how about you make a rhubarb crumble I can cut you some? She said ok and after a few tears off she went into the house and baked a delicious rhubarb crumble.

Now take two…. rewind …. If she had come down the path and I’d said oh you can go on a bike ride another day, listen big girls don’t cry (invalidation)

I know she would have become really upset more than likely run down the path into the house slamming doors and more importantly I wouldn’t have got a rhubarb crumble!!

But seriously this is what happens in life particularly with those who seek help for self harm. They are often ignored, treated with disdain and those overwhelming emotions that often bring people to self harm are completely invalidated. A few validating statements such as ‘ it looks like you’re having a really tough time right now’ or ‘You must be really hurting right now’ would help. It’s not about necessarily agreeing with the self harm its about letting the person know you get the real emotional pain they are in.

My thoughts are also that people could learn a thing or two from the people on Twitter with mental health difficulties … Watch how they validate each other on a daily basis show empathy and really help each other. We know how it feels and we know how to help, peer support at its best.

I’m wondering how people use validation in their work or day to day life? I use it at work with people my colleagues and my family. It truly helps with relationships.

Stories of abuse and neglect

The past few weeks have once again opened my eyes to neglect and I would also say abuse within the social care system and the abuse that happens in the mental health system.
My mum with a label of schizophrenia who lives in a home which I can’t name, but if anyone wants to know they can DM me, had left my mum with a bed sore and oral thrush and she had ended up in hospital with severe pneumonia .

They just a week before had informed us via. CPA meeting they wanted her to leave her home as they couldn’t manage. They didn’t mention her bed sore or the thrush I’m guessing they knew but if they didn’t it just showed the neglect of her by them.

My mum had lived in that home for 20 plus years and they wanted her to leave just like that. She had a stroke a year ago and had now finds it difficult to get around and her speech is very limited she’s 80 and the home she had for all those years wants to throw her out . She has friends there and yes she gets angry frustrated I’m guessing as she was in pain and couldn’t do what she used to be able to.

I’d be angry too if I were in her position I’d be livid and I am so so angry with them I’m fuming I could swear all over this post and I have whilst writing. We’ve kept quiet on occasion as we feared she would be thrown out. An instance of this was when a member of staff restrained her aged 76 with her legs over her head, my mum had insulted her and was assaulted by the woman. The police were involved but the case was dropped, I mean who would believe a person with schizophrenia and her fellow housemates who witnessed it? Not a court that’s for sure. The woman was dismissed I’m guessing she’s working somewhere else in the system doing who knows what? We felt gagged afraid to complain anymore, afraid for our mum.

We’ve been visiting as a family to the hospital the past few weeks and we believe her home won’t have her back . Not one person has visited her from there … They are uncaring people in my opinion . It’s her home damn it it’s her home.

I’m sad very sad for my mum and my family… Things are hard enough as it is knowing you have to trust people for the care of someone but you find out they don’t give a damn .

My second story is that of my nephew with autism who was in a home in the community really happy then his ‘carers’ started to sanction him not letting him have his treats train rides and hot chocolate, I thought negative reinforcement had gone out with the dark ages my sister said. He ended up getting more frustrated and violent and ended up being sectioned and thrown into the mental health system. It was there he had his arm broken in an illegal restraint all on CCTV.
He then was under a psychiatrist who told my sister she couldn’t visit as it was her fault he was so bad, but we all knew she was the person keeping him out of forensics which is where they said he needed to be , this psychiatrist thought he had to learn how to behave and should be punished not allowed things. This doesn’t help anyone especially with autism it’s barbaric and a nonsense in my opinion .
I love my nephew he tells me four stories and that’s his world it keeps him together and makes him happy. You can either get into his world or drag him into ours which to him is a scary place.I like his world best and he’s brilliant at dates of things, unbelievable in fact he has his talents, I love him he’s an amazing young man.

The psychiatrist lost his battle with the visits and then abruptly took him off clonazepam which made him poorly and was highly dangerous and could cause fits . One day on it the next off. This abuse by this man was unbelievable and my sister was powerless as he was under section. She did stick by him though and complained and the psychiatrist suddenly disappeared … We think he resigned and I wonder who he is punishing now?
The good ending to the story is my sister kept battling and he’s back now in the community at a brilliant place his own flat where he gets lots of support and positive reinforcement .

These stories though as I recount them make me angry, sad ,frustrated , scared and I see many like them on Twitter . If you follow @schizoaffected you can see how she was illegally sectioned and totally traumatised by the experience and by the distress the complaint procedure is causing to her when people don’t accept responsibility. I stand in solidarity with you.

All of this abuse, neglect and not thinking about the effects of actions against people, I wonder how many others it’s happening to?
My mum being removed from her home left to sit in her own piss so she got a bedsore, my nephew abused by a psychiatrist….. how the hell is this allowed to happen?
When you as a family and as a carer feel vulnerable for that vulnerable person, afraid they will be punished if you complain or lose their care that’s what makes me so so sad and so so angry I just cry . We couldn’t contemplate my mum losing her friends her home but now she is …..

My family are managing the best we can each doing our share of caring, it’s so difficult somedays and I reach out to all carers some who work day and night and who worry about their family member in a home.

My sister @TwittleyJules has written a song about her experiences with my nephew and is setting up a just giving page to buy it.
Finally I’d like to hear from others in this position and I’d like things to change but not sure how this will happen.
Who is being neglected and abused in the health and care system?
Who is being really well looked after I know there are brilliant people out there ..?


I’m always losing people well it seems that way to me  .. I’ve been trying really hard to make relationships as I have a great difficulty with attachments, I become so distressed when people leave.

I’ve been trying to take a leap of faith trying to trust in people it’s like dipping your toe  in the cold sea or jumping from the top diving board, I try to believe you won’t go.

I’m afraid you will leave me and most often people do. Oh they say we will keep in touch meet up for a meal or coffee…but they don’t , they don’t and that hurts a gut wrenching hurt.
To me those people are dead gone, I obliterate them they’re gone it’s the only way I deal with that abandonment of empty promises or lies you don’t exist anymore . I may think of you from time to time but you hurt me and you don’t know, some do and feel guilt I see that and I feel empathy …
History repeats itself …I’m the child my mum sectioned dragged away again and again and then gone and that hurt made me bury those feelings deep inside and I learnt not to trust you, I learnt not to feel. When someone leaves I curl up in a fetal position I cry all snot and tears, I lose control of my body, I slump I dissociate, I go and hide in the metaphoric tree of my childhood where I felt safe or in the garage, I isolate .
That horrible feeling overwhelms me I feel like I’m drowning in the swimming pool where I took my leap of faith,  I’m abandoned once more and I hurt me, it’s how I cope it’s a never ending circle of hope then loss I’m trapped on the  merry go round I can’t get off I’m trapped.
Today I lost my Care Coordinator whom I cared for and trusted who understood me and took the time to get to know me. I lost them to another job and although I know God damn I know,  it’s what they need to do … I just want to scream and shout and hurt myself the horrible feeling is pulling me under and I try to accept this sadness of my childhood. I follow my plan the gym, the garden but it hurts oh how it hurts and nothing will stop it, NOTHING I’M DROWNING IN THE HORRIBLE FEELING.
I’ve cried, I’ve hidden, I’ve used grounding techniques and the insight I have of my insight is killing me … I know why, I just can’t stop the waves but I’m trying to surf… It’s just painful ..
I’ve recently come across these formulations called spiky diagrams, you can use them anytime you feel the horrible feeling … sometimes I find you don’t know why you feel that way it just creeps upon you. Here is a good description of what a formulation is.
Here is an example which I  find really useful of a spiky formulation, for me it helps explain what happens for me when I get triggered into the horrible feeling.
(Clarke and Wilson)
This is my formulation I just drew it I’m quite proud …
spiky formulation sue
It shows my past then the trigger,  and how I then get that horrible feeling, then it shows the patterns I have learnt to cope with that overwhelming pain. I don’t feel bad about these ways of coping, bad things happened to me as a child and these are ways I learned to manage.
However I now use other ways such as intense exercise trying not to isolate sitting with the pain and just howling and sobbing… The horrible feeling passes it may take time but it does …and sometimes I’m still not able  to escape my old patterns, but more often I now can do.
What I’d like to say to Health Care Professionals is that when you get  someone in crisis it’s the horrible feeling you need to help with. I call it a verbal hug a soothing of that pain and validation is key in helping. Just saying how hard it must be, how awful it is just letting someone know you get it. Trying to fix or problem solve won’t help right now don’t tell me to look at a safety plan or care plan just be with me for a while or it feels like I’m abandoned over again. We are hyper vigilant we know when you’re not sitting with us I hear a sigh …I know.
Today I am sad I’m coping best as I can I’ve written this post and I dedicate it to my care coordinator,  you’ve helped me so much I know you had to go but I so wish you had stayed.
I sit with the horrible feeling.
It will pass …
I miss you

If the boot was on the other foot…

On meeting my care coordinator today I noted she was well kempt although I often wonder where she gets her clothes from hmm Primark maybe, I don’t think they get paid very well. She also showed appropriate eye contact, although I try best as I can not to look at her. Her speech was a little forced but I put that down to the copious amounts of coffee she always goes on about that she drinks.

We were going to do my care plan which was mainly completed by herself, she had included such things when I’m feeling distressed to have a bath which would be difficult as I only have a shower and to go out walking after work. However this time of year it is dark and I am a little concerned for my safety.

We also looked at a safety plan which had numbers for me to call, at the minute I don’t have a mobile I sold mine so I could buy some more wine from when I’m feeling so overwhelmed, I guess I will just have to go to A&E and take my chances there although I don’t feel very welcome. Some of the doctors and nurses look a little scared of me but I just put that down to their paranoia which I think they should get some therapy to help with.

We talked about my family and how they could help but I’ve not seen them for years so I just put their phone numbers down anyway to please her. I’m quite good at that it helps our relationship I have to say though I’m always aware of my boundaries with her I don’t want to be telling her too much, I keep the names of my rabbits from her I think that’s really important

She got a little frustrated with me as I couldn’t think of steps to take when I felt suicidal I don’t think she was being very cooperative . I was trying my hardest and I tried to validate her feelings of frustration which helped a little and we managed to complete my care and safety plan.

She says that this plan will really help me with my recovery I think she is suffering with delusions and I am quite concerned for her I think to myself she needs some medication but I’m not sure she will comply with that. Oh well.

My care coordinator told me she couldn’t see me for a few weeks as she was in training and on holiday I don’t think she is engaging very well with me and wonder if she needs a short stay in hospital so people can make sure she complies with her duties as my care coordinator .

I’m going to to make sure that I write the notes up on my computer programme (lack of insight) just in case something happens to her before the end of the day after visiting me. I also decide to do a risk assessment with her not there as that’s the sort of thing she might do and I am pretty worried.

Well that’s another visit over with I will look to see if their are any improvements for next time but I’m not very hopeful I think I might tell her to get some therapy… not sure she’s ready for it though she probably needs stabilising…… Oh well
All of this is completely fabricated my care coordinators have all been really helpful, kind and included me in decision making … However I have read some funny stories on Twitter. I just hope it makes you laugh… If the boot was on the other foot….

Dignity and Self Harm #WMHD

Dignity and Self Harm Ten things I want you to know

Remember I am a person first of all with hopes and dreams and I’m just suffering right now and you may have seen me last week but my pain comes back to haunt me.

I’m not attention seeking or being manipulative when I self harm I’ve suffered in my past and I’m coming asking you for help I’m seeking attention yes because I’ve hurt myself and I need medical attention.

Please remember to dress my self harm even if I have overdosed often you forget because I’m not well enough to point it out.

If I have overdosed I would like a bed to lie in not forced to sit in a chair .

Please remember to validate my emotions I’m feeling so sad often ashamed and I often feel suicidal. Yes it is awful yes I’ve been trying so hard and I feel so vulnerable, just tell me you can see that.

Remember to use pain relief for people who need it don’t carry out procedures without it.

Please refer me to liaison psychiatry don’t just let me leave, people who self harm can go on to complete suicide they need help .

It would be amazing if all hospitals had people trained to help people who self harm 24/7 as liaison psychiatry doesn’t often operate those hours. Instead people are left to wait until morning tired and in crisis .

You don’t have to tell me if I leave you will call the police I’m not a criminal and I’m not that person who runs away we are all individuals .

Thank you to all the people who have shown me dignity on my journey over the years I haven’t seen you for a long time as I am well but if you do just please show me some dignity .